Bring All Your Parts and Come

by Leta Herrington, LPC 
612.332.7743 ext. 221
lherrington@wpc-mpls.org

Ho, everyone [every part] who thirsts, come to the waters. Isaiah 55:1

Feel stuck? Pulled in different directions? Part of you wants one thing and another part something else? Find yourself having the same disputes with your child/ spouse/self over and over again?

While we might wish a part of ourselves away; or to wake up one day and be able to just stop a certain behavior; or that our spouse/child/co-worker would act differently, more times than not, that doesn't just happen. In fact, "the more...the more" usually occurs; that is, the more we push something down inside ourselves or wish someone would behave differently, the more the powerfully the unwanted behavior/feeling/response usually recurs.

Your child breaks a rule or does something rude or thoughtless. You start lecturing him/her about manners and responsibility. Your child gets increasingly sullen and belligerent. You get more and more frustrated and judgmental.

Or, the shy part of our self insists on staying home night after night because we don't know what to say or how to dress or are afraid we'll feel awkward or will be made fun of. Eventually the lonely/bored part of us blows up and demands to go out no matter what; we storm out of the house, chastising the shy part for being so pitiful. We're out but with no game plan, feel awkward and unsure just like we were afraid we would, and return home vowing to never try that again. And we don't go out again...until we can't stand it anymore...the cycle repeating itself over and over again.

Richard Schwartz, in his book, Internal Family Systems Therapy, states that each of have strength and compassion as our core. He contends that if we find ourselves feeling/behaving other than strong and compassionate it is because we've allowed a part of our self to take over our entire being; that we've allowed ‘a passenger in our car' to take over the steering wheel. How do we get back to feeling in control of ourselves? Or get back to behaving in ways we feel good about? Schwartz suggests that it's not by ‘exorcizing' our undesirable thoughts/feelings/parts or attempting to excommunicate the people we have difficulty with, rather it is by listening-really listening-to the people or parts that we're having trouble with, seeking to understand them rather than to hush them, and to develop a plan/approach/decision that honors what you've learned.

A child is not put in charge, but his/her needs are taken in to account. A passenger is not given the steering wheel, but as drivers we'll listen to the input they have to offer. Acting out of strength and compassion as our core, we are not going to get walked on but neither are we going to neglect or ignore.

Unless we want to continue the game of tug-of-war internally or with others, we need to take seriously both ends of the tug, so that together all those parts/people tugging can be part of an integrated whole, and contributors toward a resolution that will last.

Intrigued? The stuck or pushed down parts of you intrigued? Please feel free to bring all your parts and come...